Ok, this is how it goes:
I have tried and succeeded in not being desperate for the most part. At least since february or so, I have worked on not trying so hard to meet people, and to get to know people better before I ask for a phone number. Trying harder to make friends, and less dating.
So, when something comes along that seems very promising, this whole attitude goes out the window and I’m back to being unpleasantly desperate and frustrated, and it makes me think “Why?”. And in some sense I know why, it’s because I have fooled myself into thinking that these things didn’t matter to me, but of course it does. It matters so much that when I meet someone I like, I feel like a complete idiot, and I feel like doing all the rights things. I even know why, it’s because it’s been so long since I have actually had a pleasant experience with closeness that I long for it so strongly that it at times threatens to drive me insanse (or so it feels). Today I sat for an hour crying over this, and after that I decided to try to understand why I felt so strongly about it and why this was such a big deal to me and in some sense the answer isn’t very pleasant. I know that women find me attractive, I know that I am fun to be with etc, but what I need now is not recognition of my potential, but an actuality that corresponds to what I observe and that corresponds to what my self-image.
I remember how a similar situation sorted itself out a little more than two years ago and in some sense it will probably sort itself out in a similar way this time. The problem is that I don’t feel like I have any say in this. It feels a bit like I’m floating at sea with no sense of direction and no land in sight. I don’t know when it will happen and I don’t know how and with who and that uncertainty drives me crazy.
And if you want to know about that girl I was trying to meet, well, it seems as if she is taken, and she never showed for an appointment today and didn’t send a message explaining why, so if I hear from her again, I will be surprised.
I liked it better when I wasn’t trying. One part of me really wishes I had never met her.