Blah.

I had a close friend over for a surprise visit because I SMSed him because I couldn’t break a train of thought.

It’s been happening to me a lot lately, it’s as if I reach an impasse in my mind and I can’t break free. It affects my sleep, my self image and my social life. It helps to discuss it, but it has to be in a setting where I feel comfortable enough to open up and put the thoughts into words, with someone I feel comfortable with, and by doing that understand what’s my primary drive behind my thoughts.

Each time I feel like this I get extremely emotionally overwhelmed, I remember six months back, I couldn’t cry. Now I do. I cry almost every night when I come home, from sitting alone in an apartment which I’m not sure I feel comfortable in anymore.

Each time I try to contact someone I want to get to know better, whom I may potentially want to have some kind of relationship with (if it works out – you can’t ask for more than that, can you?) and they don’t respond to SMS or phone, I end up feeling worthless. Am I that unworthy that people can’t even say “no” via SMS? Yes, I know they never want to disappoint people, or forget, or don’t have the time, but each time I feel more and more worthless and it feels like I spend less time bothering about it, because it’s not going to change anyway.

So, the conclusion is, I need to find a hobby, or something to do that makes me more socially active and gets me into some kind of social circle that is expansive. Right now I feel I’m walking in circles. If I don’t meet someone, I’m at least spending time being social and not sitting alone thinking about how worthless I get from getting no response from people.

6 thoughts on “Blah.

  1. Not really part of the problem, but in the same sense not part of the solution either. As I can’t meet new people through you, I have to be around others as well and since I’m not really around anyone who I can meet friends of friends through, I have to get to know at least some new people.

  2. *hugs*

    Hobbies are good for meeting new people, if it’s something you can do in a group that is. Isn’t there something you’ve always wanted to try/learn? Go ahead!

  3. second that

    I second mallpunks message, we do love you. If I knew anyone you didn’t know, I’d introduce you, but I don’t.. Blah.

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