I had a close friend over for a surprise visit because I SMSed him because I couldn’t break a train of thought.
It’s been happening to me a lot lately, it’s as if I reach an impasse in my mind and I can’t break free. It affects my sleep, my self image and my social life. It helps to discuss it, but it has to be in a setting where I feel comfortable enough to open up and put the thoughts into words, with someone I feel comfortable with, and by doing that understand what’s my primary drive behind my thoughts.
Each time I feel like this I get extremely emotionally overwhelmed, I remember six months back, I couldn’t cry. Now I do. I cry almost every night when I come home, from sitting alone in an apartment which I’m not sure I feel comfortable in anymore.
Each time I try to contact someone I want to get to know better, whom I may potentially want to have some kind of relationship with (if it works out – you can’t ask for more than that, can you?) and they don’t respond to SMS or phone, I end up feeling worthless. Am I that unworthy that people can’t even say “no” via SMS? Yes, I know they never want to disappoint people, or forget, or don’t have the time, but each time I feel more and more worthless and it feels like I spend less time bothering about it, because it’s not going to change anyway.
So, the conclusion is, I need to find a hobby, or something to do that makes me more socially active and gets me into some kind of social circle that is expansive. Right now I feel I’m walking in circles. If I don’t meet someone, I’m at least spending time being social and not sitting alone thinking about how worthless I get from getting no response from people.