I hate this feeling.

Ok, this is how it goes:

I have tried and succeeded in not being desperate for the most part. At least since february or so, I have worked on not trying so hard to meet people, and to get to know people better before I ask for a phone number. Trying harder to make friends, and less dating.

So, when something comes along that seems very promising, this whole attitude goes out the window and I’m back to being unpleasantly desperate and frustrated, and it makes me think “Why?”. And in some sense I know why, it’s because I have fooled myself into thinking that these things didn’t matter to me, but of course it does. It matters so much that when I meet someone I like, I feel like a complete idiot, and I feel like doing all the rights things. I even know why, it’s because it’s been so long since I have actually had a pleasant experience with closeness that I long for it so strongly that it at times threatens to drive me insanse (or so it feels). Today I sat for an hour crying over this, and after that I decided to try to understand why I felt so strongly about it and why this was such a big deal to me and in some sense the answer isn’t very pleasant. I know that women find me attractive, I know that I am fun to be with etc, but what I need now is not recognition of my potential, but an actuality that corresponds to what I observe and that corresponds to what my self-image.

I remember how a similar situation sorted itself out a little more than two years ago and in some sense it will probably sort itself out in a similar way this time. The problem is that I don’t feel like I have any say in this. It feels a bit like I’m floating at sea with no sense of direction and no land in sight. I don’t know when it will happen and I don’t know how and with who and that uncertainty drives me crazy.

And if you want to know about that girl I was trying to meet, well, it seems as if she is taken, and she never showed for an appointment today and didn’t send a message explaining why, so if I hear from her again, I will be surprised.

I liked it better when I wasn’t trying. One part of me really wishes I had never met her.

a heartfelt moment

I don’t know how to write this and it will probably sound very soppy but I really can’t help it.

I think I’m falling in love and it frustrates me. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t really know her. Even though things are looking fine at the moment and I find her very attractive and intelligent, I still feel there is so much to learn about her and I am afraid that I have cooked up this image of her that won’t stand up to reality. I am also afraid of talking too much about it, in case it amounts to nothing and people will ask me for weeks what happened.

The next thing is that I find myself thinking of her, thinking of how we will be together, what things will be like, and the only thing I know, is that no matter how it turns out, it will never be like you imagine it. Yet, at this moment, I cannot help it. I can’t stop myself from doing it, it’s not that easy. I’m very glad that this will be a busy day with little time to stop and think. I will not have the time to think about her and tomorrow, I will call her and see if she’s available to do… something (can’t think of what right now).

Comments are welcome. :-)

Update

I believe I tried to write an update several times.

Every time I’ve given up and I don’t know why. I could have told you about my trip to Oslo before easter which was great fun, but the details of which are slightly lost in slow memory lapse.

I could tell you about the girls I’m flirting with, but since none of you comment unless it goes wrong, I’m not going to tell you until I botch something. (It’s all hanging in the air at this moment).

Actually I have been very social for the past month. There hasn’t been a day without someone asking me to do something or go somewhere and I really like that. In some sense, I no longer need to take responsibility for meeting people, which feels really good, but is, in some way, rather a selfish thought. I feel like doing things for my friends, in return for what they do for me. I am active in at least six different social circles, the coffee people, the salsa crowds, the nerds, the goths, the live-rpg people turned actors and the music crowd. Not sure how I infiltrated so many different social circles, but I have noticed that I have an enormous amount of friends. I can’t walk down the street without meeting someone, and it feels good.

In some sense, I think I have been so active in real life that I have been less active online. Still, I feel there should be time for an update once in a while.

In many ways, I feel like I’m in the kind of situation I like to be in, to know many different people with different perspectives on life is important to me. Life feels so much better than it has been in a very long time.

Stolen from masokiss

Can.
Only.
Type.
ONE.
Word.

(Not as easy as you might think.)

1. Where is your cell phone? here
2. Describe your boyfriend/girlfriend? nonexistent
3. Your hair? bald
4. Your mother? Loud
5. Your father? Fat
6. Your favorite item? Mac
7. Your dream last night? sex
8. Your favorite drink? Wine
9. Your dream car? Small
10. The room you are in? Clean
11. Your ex? Gone
12. Your fear? Rejection
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Fun
14. Who did you hang out with last night? None
15. What you’re not? peaceful
19. The last thing you did? eat
20. What are you wearing? clothes
22. Your favorite book? many
23. The last thing you ate? pasta
24. Your life? active
25. Your mood? content
26. Your friends? fun
27. What are you thinking about right now? sleep
28. Your car? nonexisting
29. What are you doing at the moment? this
30. Your summer? bright
31. Your relationship status? none
32. What is on your tv? nothing
33. When is the last time you laughed? dunno
34. Last time you cried? friday
35. School? stress

Copy.
Paste.
Answer.
Questions.
In.
ONE.
Word.