Fucking hell!!!

Dear Santa…

Dear Santa,

This year I’ve been busy!

In March I bought porn for no_anesthetic (10 points). In February I helped gelflyng see the light (8 points). In January I had a shoot-out with rival gang lords on the 5 near LA (-76 points). In July I committed genocide… Sorry about that, gird_09 (-5000 points). In August I ruled Asscrackistan as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points).

Overall, I’ve been naughty (-4358 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!

Sincerely,
andraax

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insight

Whenever I walk, I keep thinking of really good things to post on LJ but I never remember them when I get home.

Today I had some profound insight walking to town but it’s all gone now. On my way home I had another one which I still remember: When I was a kid, I’d sometimes start writing diaries, but I’d usually stop after a few weeks because I was embarrassed about what I had written the week before. This kind of thinking also applied to my self-image. When I’d think back a few weeks or months, I’d think of myself as a very childish person. It’s been very long since I’ve done that, yet today I had a similar feeling. I ran into someone in town, whom I hadn’t spoken to for several months. She seemed a whole lot more centered and relaxed than she had been when I last met her and she looked good, radiant in a sense. Then as I walked home afterwards, I kept thinking back to this last summer when I met her a lot, we used to go for coffee, walk the mountain, make dinner, just hang out and then she just suddenly got caught up in studies and some issues with her boyfriend. Anyhow, I just got a feeling we had both grown older from that point. It was a strange and very pleasant feeling. I really enjoyed the time I had with her.

No more procrastination

It seems that after every weekend, there’s these hellishly introspective posts that everyone makes.

I’ve been using the computer as a kind of entertainment-box, not willing to deal with certain issues that needs to be dealt with. Therefore I have to turn it off more often than I’ve done up to now.

From this coming week, my computer has to be shut down whenever I go to bed or leave the house. That would make it harder for me to sit in a zombie-trance until I leave the house in the mornings, and avoid the zombie-stare in the afternoons as well.

In addition, I feel I have some challenges when it comes to my private life. Ok, so it’s not fun to be single, but what’s it going to help whining about it? The situation will change in time, there’s no reason to doubt it and in the mean time the best thing to do is to make things better for myself. That means cleaning the house at regular intervals, even when I’m tired, even when I’ve been out the day before, even if there’s some other excuse. I have implemented this kind of thinking at work a year ago, now I have to make it apply to my personal life as well.

So for next week I have the following tasks:

1) Sort the clothes in my closet
2) Throw away the small mountain of paper that needs to be recycled
3) Vacuum
4) Wash the two sets of bedclothes that takes up space in the bathroom
5) Clean the damned bathroom
6) Get some fertilizer for my plants
7) Give the plants some TLC (no, not the band)
8) Tidy the fucking livingroom

No more procrastination

Alexander Litvinenko

This is not usually a blog for science and/or politically related matters but this was too big for even me to pass by.

You may have heard of the russian defector, Alexander Litvinenko, who was recently poisoned and subsequently died. At first they thought it was thallium-poisoning, it now turns out he died from Polonium-210 introduced as a liquid into his digestive system. Polonium is a highly radioactive substance that emits alpha-particles.

Alpha-particles are nasty business. In school you learn that they almost don’t penetrate the skin and is therefore “harmless”. Noone actually learns that since they are easily stopped, they deposit all their energy in a small area and can therefore easily cause skin-cancer in large external doses and can destroy internal tissue if introduced into the body. Alpha-radiation is nasty stuff.

My mind is going. There’s no question about it.

Tomorrow, I’m holding a two hour talk on the history of science. This is a prelude to my two hour talk on the philosophy of science next wednesday. The question I’m forced to ask is: “WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?”.

I am barely prepared, I have no clue whether I have enough material for two hours, The second hour is almost not prepared and the only good thing is that I know a lot of the subject, and I am a good bullshitter. I’m afraid, Dave.

Blah.

I had a close friend over for a surprise visit because I SMSed him because I couldn’t break a train of thought.

It’s been happening to me a lot lately, it’s as if I reach an impasse in my mind and I can’t break free. It affects my sleep, my self image and my social life. It helps to discuss it, but it has to be in a setting where I feel comfortable enough to open up and put the thoughts into words, with someone I feel comfortable with, and by doing that understand what’s my primary drive behind my thoughts.

Each time I feel like this I get extremely emotionally overwhelmed, I remember six months back, I couldn’t cry. Now I do. I cry almost every night when I come home, from sitting alone in an apartment which I’m not sure I feel comfortable in anymore.

Each time I try to contact someone I want to get to know better, whom I may potentially want to have some kind of relationship with (if it works out – you can’t ask for more than that, can you?) and they don’t respond to SMS or phone, I end up feeling worthless. Am I that unworthy that people can’t even say “no” via SMS? Yes, I know they never want to disappoint people, or forget, or don’t have the time, but each time I feel more and more worthless and it feels like I spend less time bothering about it, because it’s not going to change anyway.

So, the conclusion is, I need to find a hobby, or something to do that makes me more socially active and gets me into some kind of social circle that is expansive. Right now I feel I’m walking in circles. If I don’t meet someone, I’m at least spending time being social and not sitting alone thinking about how worthless I get from getting no response from people.

hosed system

Dear friends in Livejournal (and other lurkers who have me on RSS – you know who you are).

I have just hosed my linux-installation and I am not sure what to do about it. Right now I am using KNOPPIX so that I can actually get a GUI and get some info on what to do.

I can either reconfigure my xserver, I know this worked the last time this happened, install knoppix, try gentoo again or some other fancy linux-system. I am actually considering using KDE instead of openbox because it has a tendency to work. All options have the good sides and bad sides. I really want to move my home-partition to a different disk than the / partition and therefore I think about waiting and cleaning up my system before I do anything rash. All the mentioned options have their upsides and downsides. Right now I am just a bit annoyed that my screen resolution is a meagre 800×600 instead of my regular 1920×1200.

My biggest problem is that my work-laptop is being upgraded and I don\t have access to it right now. Using linux without a backup-computer is always slightly difficult.

Your friend,
Andraax/:ystein (yes, knoppix uses US keyboard as default)

Update: My computer actually works again. It just needed a reboot and I didn’t figure it out at the time. I can be such a dork.